fear: what will I do with it?

 Seagrove Beach, FL

As children we grew up with adults asking us what we wanted to be when we grew up. I'm not honestly sure what my answer was back in those days and I think I am still attempting to answer that question today, even at the age of 30. Yes, perhaps some of us are different. Maybe some of us take longer figuring out who we want to be and what we should do with our lives. Just maybe finding our place in this world isn't always on a sheet of paper or discovered early in life. Maybe some of us discover these things over time. Perhaps for some of us it is a process.

In all of my questions about who I should be, I am also asking myself what God wants me to be. Lately, I have thought about the things I feel like I am good at or have been told I am good at. It is said that the thing that stirs your heart or you are drawn to is your calling. I guess that means I have a lot of callings. The calling of helping others. The calling of making things with my hands. The calling of writing. The calling of seeing things differently through a camera lens. The calling of creating. The calling of serving Him. The calling of enjoying His creation. The calling of doing His justice. The calling of living the life I have been given.

Esta in the village 

I guess my point is that I don't think we are each given one calling. I think we all have one central calling that spans from several segments that all connect somewhere in the center, because I think our calling is serving Him faithfully and well with whatever He gives us to do. I must admit that I don't always remember this, especially when I'm at work. Recently, I have rediscovered, reevaluated, and revisited things that stir my heart. I question what I am doing and if I am truly doing the work that God has called me to do. There is a constant feeling locked inside my heart that I cannot shake off.

Something has happened to me. Inside of me. All around me. The Lord has pulled the strings of my heart and has filled my heart with a burning desire. More than a week ago I had an experience with God and with things I saw and read about. Everything started falling into place. I have been interested in missions since I was a young girl. I went on my first mission trip at the age of 14 to England and then to Europe at 16. As a young teenager, I am doubtful that I really knew what missions could be and what it was doing inside my heart. A seed was planted at a young age and it has taken me more than 15 years to realize what this seed means.

Two For One Purpose 

twoforonepurpose.org

As most of you know, I went to Uganda in January where I served with Sozo Children. I don't know if it was where I was sent or if it was because I'm older, but something struck a cord within me. I have been interested in missions for longer than I can remember. But I honestly don't feel like I have done much with this interest other than four short-term trips over the span of 16 years.

the village

Last year in March something jumped out and grabbed me, and I have never viewed missions and the work of justice the same ever since. After I returned from Uganda, I had few people ask me if I was interested in doing missions, and I honestly didn't know what to say. I have a huge heart for the work that many non-profits are doing across the globe. Ironically, many of them are doing work in Uganda. There are so many organizations that I care about and I wish I could donate to and go on trips with all of them. But that is not possible right now.

Sometimes when God reveals certain things to you that He is passionate about, it stirs your heart in a way that cannot be ignored. But with this stirring and desire to follow His calling, comes a load of fear. So we hold back when our feet reach the edge of the water. The water looks too deep and terrifying. It looks scary, different, uncomfortable, hard, and unfamiliar. So we stop, because we are afraid of the unknown in the deep.  If I jump, what if I drown? What if I cannot withstand the waves? But God wants me to jump. Jump for Him. Jump with faith. Jump with bravery. Jump with courage. Jump knowing that He is waiting for me to walk with Him above the water. Jump for the possibility of what He can do with me instead of what I fear.

Gertrude, my sponsor child 

sozochildren.org 

I have been thinking about my fears lately. God continues to stir my heart with many things, but with them come immense feelings of fears, hesitations, and clinging to my security and comfort. I must admit that being vulnerable sometimes means being completely out of my comfort zone and learning to patiently endure my circumstances. It's hard to travel a long distance and put yourself directly into a culture and world you have never step into your entire life. On our first full day in Uganda I wasn't feeling too well, and I distinctively remember telling myself that I didn't come to be comfortable, I came to serve Him faithfully. My experience in Uganda wasn't exactly culture shock; I wasn't surprised, but merely humbled and how I take my life and luxuries so much for granted. Sometimes when God sends you somewhere, it won't be comfortable or easy. It might feel scary or uncomfortable, but I have learned that if He sends me, then I can trust Him. The scariest place we can be in is the one God didn't send us. 

I read a story recently about a woman in Malawi that Esther Havens met when working with Charity Water in 2014. The woman's name was Mulitani and it means in their language, "what will you do with it?"She is the happiest woman in this village and explained to Esther that her name has been her inspiration for how she conducts her life. No matter what her circumstances, she makes the choice to rise each morning and ask herself, "What will I do with it?"Until the well was built, she and the rest of the community had been retrieving water from a river that was dirty and murky. While Mulitani could complain about the dirty water and ask, "Why be happy?" Instead, she asks, "Why be anything else?" The bright smile on her lovely face is a result of that attitude. 

This story has shaped me so much and broken my heart for good. Here is a beautiful woman in Malawi who has nearly next to nothing in the material sense, but has the fullest joy and the richest perspective on life. I can't think of anything more contagious. Her name's meaning is what grabbed hold of the strings of my heart and had me thinking about my fears and comforts. The only thing holding me back is my perspective on life. If God places a desire in my heart, I must ask myself, "What will I do with it?' And the same applies to my life as a whole. Each and every day the Lord gives me, whether easy or difficult, happy or sad, I must be bold enough to ask myself, "What will I do with it?"

Photo by Esther Havens

estherhavens.com

We are each given one life to live and are not promised a single hour on this earth. I want the things I do on this earth to count for eternity, so as I hear the Lord calling my name to go and be His hands, feet, voice, and empathy everywhere I go, I must learn to push my fears to the side and jump in the water knowing He is there to keep me from drowning.

The other day my eye caught this verse in 1 Peter and while it doesn't mention fears or bravery, I think it sums up my thoughts well: "Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good." - 1 Peter 4:19

If I trust the Lord while doing His work, He will meet me at the end of my fears. This is your life. What will you do with it?

"Lead on, O King Eternal; we follow not with fears, for gladness breaks like morning where'er Thy face appears..." - E. Shurtleff